Hubris and other cautionary tales

Merriam-Webster defines hubris as: "exaggerated pride or self-confidence."  I define it as not listening to those who have my best interests at heart because I "know" better.   I've never been a very patient person, and as I've said in previous posts, I've never been much inclined to believe someone who tells me I can't do something, all of which leads to "exaggerated pride or self-confidence." Add hubris to CrossFit and you get a combination which, for me, leads to a big dose of humble pie.

My last post detailed how well my recovery was going and as I re-read it I see a great deal of self-pride (a not very flattering kind either) exhibited.  My grandmother would say that I was getting too big for my britches. As it turns out, she would be right. You know the old saying "pride goeth before a fall?"  Well, that was me on this past Tuesday.  Tuesday's WOD was 5x5 deadlifts.  I went to the box to work on form, NOT to lift heavy.  In fact, I swore to Jeff that I would be super cautious about form and weight, and, for the first couple of rounds I was.  I started with 55 pounds, had someone watch my form and even rolled my back after the round.  I felt good so I went to 85 pounds, then 105 pounds.  I felt great.  The tightness in my back had gone, my form was near perfect and I was on my way back to being a deadlifting queen.   So for the fourth round, I put 135 pounds on the bar, knocked out five reps and really started to celebrate. Doctors and husbands be damned!  I was feeling so prideful that I asked Jeff to grab a camera to take a picture of the next round because I wanted to send it to my doctor with a note bragging about my recovery.

I'm guessing that you all know what's coming next.  I added 20 pounds to the bar, got through the first lift and then felt a painful pop on the second.  Yup, I screwed up my back AGAIN.  The weeks of rehab and slowly adding WODs all went out the window because I couldn't resist the lure of adding 20 pounds to what was already a very successful exercise.  In my rush to prove that I was right and everyone else was wrong I did, what could potentially be, some serious damage to my recovery.  I am once again in pain, and what makes it worse, is that I could have prevented it by simply keeping my ego in check.  I forgot a major tenet of CrossFit.  We are a sport devoted to functional fitness, and as my friend Ray put it so well, "A reassessment of goals may be in order. Functional fitness is the objective. If you do not adapt to your situation, then you are likely to cause disability, which is in conflict with that objective. You do not have to climb or blast through a barrier to be successful. Sometimes the best move is to go around it. Reassess and adapt. Darwin 101."

So, I sit here appropriately humbled but hopeful.  I definitely failed the lesson but I got the learning.  I may be back at square one but I'll be smarter this time.  I'll listen to my coaches and my body.  I'll take things slowly and carefully.  I'll remember my friend Ray and forget about time.  I'll approach this phase of rehab with humility and respect.  It doesn't matter if it takes six weeks, six months or six years (well, OK maybe six years might matter!).  At the end of the day, it's about being a CrossFitter for a lifetime so I guess I better rest so I can come back to fight another day.

Deadlifts are back on the menu!

I had the opportunity to visit with my family this past weekend and I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed the surprise on their faces when they saw I was moving around easily and comfortably, in fact, most people who know about the ruptured disc are surprised at how quickly my recovery is going. Of course, to me it's still too slow, but to the rest of the world three weeks out of the hospital is pretty darn quick for recuperation. Now, I'm not 100% yet, probably closer to 50%, but I am almost pain free with a very small limp (which when I run makes for an interesting gait that I imagine gives observers a good giggle) but I feel like I'm a lot further along than my doctors expected.

So, what am I doing? CrossFit, baby!! I have rehab sessions with Aimee a couple times a week and I am back to class doing modified WODs. I made it through a regular WOD last week and this week I'll do two with three planned for next week. I'm not lifting heavy shit yet but I did manage to deadlift 35 pounds for 20 reps with good form today. I'll go back later this afternoon for the WOD then I'll take a couple of rest days. My focus during this recovery period is on executing each exercise with good form and slowly increasing the weight over the next few weeks with the goal of being close to my old numbers by Halloween. The key is patience, focusing on form and not succumbing to frustration.

When I was at the chiropractor's office earlier this week he said he was "amazed" at my range of motion and his thinking was that I was in such good condition when I was injured that I started my recovery much further along than most patients. He said that it normally takes months for people with an L5/S1 rupture to be pain-free and some never get to a point where they have no pain.

I consider myself lucky -- very lucky. I found CrossFit at a time of life where many folks, especially women, have stopped challenging themselves physically and are "slowing down." This injury has shown me how very important it is to never slow down, and especially to never stop. Our bodies were never intended for sitting, they were made to move. Activity is the best medicine in the world. Active bodies make for active minds and quick healing. I'm living proof.

Doctors and their opinions

As you might surmise, I'm not a big fan of doctors, the medical community and how we handle health care in this country.  While the individual medical professionals I know are wonderful people, many of them seem to be pretty well entrenched in conventional wisdom and lack an open mind when it comes to alternative ways of healing the body.

I went to see my doctor to follow up on my ruptured disc and his opinion was that it would take three to six months for my back to fully heal, if it healed at all.  His recommendations included Motrin and rest, and if that didn't work, surgery to remove the fragment.  Now he knows me pretty well so his other piece of advice was "don't go trying to bench press 200 pounds or anything like that!"  I can't help thinking that inactivity and drugs are not going to help me heal, in fact I need the opposite.  I need to keep moving, lifting weight (appropriately) and looking to my diet for help around mitigating inflammation so that the fragment is released and re-absorbed.  Sounds like CrossFit is the right prescription!  So I've started some rehab work with Aimee and plan on getting back to the box for modified WODs as soon as I can.

In many ways my doctor's visit was the equivalent of waving a red flag in front of a bull.  Tell me I can't do something and I'm gonna work really hard to prove you wrong.  Tell me to rest and I'll get moving.  Tell me it will take 3 to 6 months to get better and I'll set a goal of 3 to 6 weeks.  Tell me I might need surgery and I'll change my diet so my body can heal itself without being cut open.  Is that being stubborn?  Is that being bull-headed?  Is that being stiff-necked (pun intended!)?  You betcha!

So for those of you who work out at CrossFit KoP, look for me to be back in class soon.  I'll be there for all the usual reasons and for one important new reason: so I can tell my doctor "I told you so!"  I can't wait!!!!

Healing

I've been thinking about the word "healing" a lot lately.  I've been struggling with a back issue over the past six weeks or so that has severely limited my CrossFit workouts and my life in general.  In fact, it landed me in the hospital for a couple of days with a ruptured disc and the potential for surgery to remove a disc fragment that is pressing on a nerve.  While the pain meds were awesome the rest of my hospital experience is something I really don't care to repeat!

So, how best to heal and what does "healed" look like for me?  I think it's about accepting my body where it is right now and letting go of what it was and what I want it to be.  I think it's about using this experience to become a better coach, counselor, wife and mother.  I think it's about facing fear ... fear of age, fear of pain, fear of being "not quite enough."

I've been blogging about my journey for almost a year now and in looking back at past posts I can see how much of my current identity has become wrapped up in being an athlete, a coach and "an inspiration."  This injury has shown me that, while that identity is important, it can't be the only way to define myself.  I am walking with a distinct limp right now and have quickly gained weight without my intense workouts.  How can I coach and counsel others toward finding health and wellness when I don't currently have those things myself?

The answer is to understand that no journey is a straight line, it's a series of switchback trails.  Right now I happen to be on a trail full of weeds, overgrowth and crookedness.  It's not an easy path but I only have one other option right now and that is to step off the trail, pitch a tent and hang out until the universe suddenly shifts and smoothes things out.  But you know what?  That's not the way I'm going to grow and learn from this.  Since sitting this one out is not an option,  I'll keep whacking away at the overgrowth and trying to find my way.

I hope you all will stay with me through this next part of my journey.  I suspect it's not always going to be pretty and that the high-fives may be few and far between but I think we will learn a lot about healing, peace and blessings along the way.  Sounds pretty worthwhile to me ...

Judging the 2010 CrossFit Games

While this picture is from the 2009 Games and features Chuck Carswell (an amazing person, trainer and coach)  rather than Jeff & I, I though it gives a really good flavor of what the judging experience is like ... intense! It was a real honor to serve alongside Chuck and the other Level II trainers and HQ staff for the weekend.  They were an incredible inspiration because of their willingness to do everything that was needed to prepare and breakdown events, support the athletes and other judges, and to judge every event for which they were asked.  While we only judged three events, these elite judges participated in every event and worked just as hard as the athletes without the glory.  They were truly the unsung heroes of the Games!

Jeff and I spent a lot of time speculating what we would be asked to do as judges but the actual experience was nothing like what we anticipated.  We were only asked to judge the affiliate team events, no individual events.  The only people judging individuals and the final affiliate event were Level II trainers or individuals well known and respected within the Crossfit community.  I was a bit torn about this circumstance.  On the one hand I really wanted the experience of getting in there with the truly elite athletes and being in the middle of the action.  On the other hand, it made me feel good knowing that only the best, most experienced CrossFitters were judging the elites.  Isn't that how it should be?

So what did we do to fill our time over the three days?  We reported for duty at 6:30 AM each day and left by 10 or 10:30 PM on Friday and Saturday nights.  We hauled equipment, set up events, broke down events, ran errands, swept floors, fetched water and generally tried to make ourselves useful.  It was one of the most physically strenuous weekends I've ever experienced.  I loaded bars, carried kettlebells, helped break down pull up bars, threw medicine balls and picked up more pounds of sandbags than I can imagine.  All of this took place on one of the hottest weekends in Los Angeles this summer.  Temps were in the upper 90's and low 100's under a cloudless sky.  If any of you are considering volunteering for the 2011 Games make sure you are prepared for long days, hot temperatures, and hard, physical work.  Bring your sense of humor, lose your ego and be ready to do things to support the athletes you'd never anticipate!

Given all that, would I do it again?  Yup!  Are there things I would change?  Yup!  I wish that someone would have reached out to us ahead of time and told us what to expect and how to prepare.  Little things like sunscreen and snacks and knowing that we'd be there for 16 hour days would have helped ease things a bit.  I wish that food choices would have been a bit more varied and regular.  I wish that I had known how little I'd be judging and how much I'd be schlepping.  But, I'm glad that Adrian Bozman  was the head judge because he kept us all headed in the same direction with spirits high and I would be a part of any crew he managed in a flat second.

Overall, I'd rank our time in California in the top ten of life experiences thus far.  If you want to catch a glimpse of Jeff & I doing the judge thing click on 2010 CrossFit Games Live Webcast and find the footage from July 17 from 12:00 to 3:00 and you'll see Jeff judging double-unders while I'm in the same lane judging push-ups.  3-2-1 Go!

The "Itis," Judging the 2010 CrossFit Games and Playing Catch-up

My but it's been a while!  I can hardly believe that my last post was three weeks ago but between Jeff's health, our trip out west and general daily living, time has flown by.  So, let me sum up:

Jeff's hyperthyroidism was diagnosed as hyperthyroiditis (now fondly known as "The Itis" in our house), a mystery illness for which the doctors had no explanation of how or why it occurs or why it goes away.  Basically, Jeff had an inflammation of his thyroid, a condition that causes all the symptoms of Graves disease but without the antibodies.  The disease arrives and departs with no known cause or treatment.  The good news is that Jeff is gaining some weight and looking much healthier than he has in a while.  The bad news is that we have no idea if it will ever occur again or if, in healing itself, the thyroid might throw itself to the other side of the spectrum and go into hypothyroidism.  We just have to wait and see.

Immediately after our first meeting with the docs we flew out to Carson, CA (basically in Los Angeles) to judge the 2010 CrossFit Games.  Wow, what an experience!  I knew we would work hard but the three days we spent as judges included much more than judging.  We hauled equipment, set up and broke down events, ran errands and generally helped (as best we could) to create a seamless experience for the athletes.  We'd arrive at the venue at 6:30 AM and didn't leave until after 10 PM.  It was exhausting! I need a separate post to detail the weekend and provide a really good "behind the scenes" view.  I'll get working on it because I haven't read anything from a judge's viewpoint and I found it a very interesting place to be.  Suffice it to say I loved being able to participate in the event in a way that brought me up close to the athletes and helped me improve my judging skills exponentially.

Right after the Games we hopped in our rental car and hightailed it to Las Vegas for 3 days of well deserved R&R.  After a weekend spent in the sun and heat performing physical feats like an 80 pound sandbag squat clean (and I wasn't even competing!) my body was tired, sunburned and ready to hit the pool.  So we did.  Highlights included a Kardashian sighting (the sister that's married to an LA Laker and boy is he tall!), renting a pool cabana for two days(gotta love a place where white sangria appears like magic!) and coming home with the money we left with.

We got home on a Friday and on the following Monday we were back at the hospital for two days of scan preparation and the actual scan for Jeff's thyroid.  While I'm grateful we live in a country where a place like Jefferson Hospital can exist (although I fail to understand why we don't have universal health care) it amazed me how three different doctors could each have a different description of the scanning procedure, the time it would take, what radioactivity Jeff had to ingest and what results we would have and when.  Fortunately Jeff's background as a scientist and toxicologist made the translations a bit easier but I found the whole thing confusing.

Now we are settling back into "normal."  I've been back to the box (after two weeks off it was a painful reunion) and am finishing up my schoolwork.  It's hard to believe that I'll graduate from the Institute for Integrative Nutrition next month and that this blog is coming up on it's first anniversary.  Ah, memories!!!  At any rate, we're glad to be home with both of us in good health.  We are blessed indeed!!!

Speed Bumps

Given how long Jeff and I have been married you would think we would have bumped up against health issues before.  Granted, both sets of our parents (and we're blessed to have all four of them around!) have had their fair share of brushes with heart attacks, cancer and assorted injuries and illnesses.  Even our sisters and their families have had some stuff to deal with, but Jeff & I ... not so much.  Frankly I was beginning to get a little cocky about our stellar health.  With both of us approaching 50 you'd think that we'd have had something go wrong by now and nothing really has ... until recently.

We returned from the Masters in May and Jeff started to lose weight.  It was gradual at first and then got really noticeable in mid-June when he began losing muscle as well.  He began struggling at the box and complained of a racing heart and difficulty breathing when working out hard.  I think we were both in a bit of denial about things but Jeff finally got to the doctor right before his 50th birthday (July 1st!).  Turns out to be hyperthyroidism; highly unusual in men, especially in a man who just turned 50.  He's got an appointment with an endocrinologist at the end of the week and hopefully we'll know more about the cause and treatment options.

Naturally, I had a couple of reactions.  Of course I was relieved and happy that it wasn't anything worse .  I was really scared that it could be cancer or something like lupus or MS.  So, a big WHEW there.  My second reaction was a mild irritation that he got a disease that caused him to lose weight without effort.  How unfair is that!!  After all my struggles with weight over the years it seemed the height of irony to me that someone who loses weight easily on his own got hyperthyroidism ... grrrrrrrrrrrr!

My last immediate reaction though was fear:  fear of decay.  One of the reasons we both CrossFit and eat the way we do is so we don't go through what our parents have.  I don't want to have our daughter calling and the conversation to be about what specialists Jeff & I have been seeing lately.  I don't want to have those pill sorters labelled for days of the week on the bathroom counter and I don't want to look at houses for retirement and be worried about stairs.  I'm OK with aging, I just don't want to fall apart.

Despite all our efforts, are disease and illness inevitable????